Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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