I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
