My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
