3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
