my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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