I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
