He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
