I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
