well I can't set my house on fire every night
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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