Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
