The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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