Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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