I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
