please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
