I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
