Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
