thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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