I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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