Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize