I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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