I think I won the penis lottery.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
