Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
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