If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
