Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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