I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
