Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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