Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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