I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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