if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
