In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
