I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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