Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
