u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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