Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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