I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Text me some of your sweat
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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