Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
