I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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