My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
