Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Come share oat with me in your robe
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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