We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize