help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize