I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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