I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
