Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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