My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
