the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
