If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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