Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
