grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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