Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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