Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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