last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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