i permit you to call me
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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