i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
