Dude my mom stole all your condoms
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
