Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
