I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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