I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
