i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
