May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
