He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
