Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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