I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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