Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
