Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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