Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
